Here it is folks, my typical end of the year entry.  I don't I'll have much to write but we'll see

In many ways I have hated this year more than anything in the world....but my girls made it so much better.  I'm kind of bummed that i have to check them out in the next three days- I'm gonna miss them.  They treated me a lot better than last years, and because I've had it so well I'm a bit apprehensive about next semester's girls.  In terms of hating things, I'm pretty sure I would have traded in my staff at the drop of a hat.  I spent so much time getting to know them, and in return nobody knows me and they have used me to cover shifts assuming I don't have a life....they are the reason I don't have a life.  I may not be 21 yet but I have friends, and there are parties I could have gone to while I was sitting hours and hours of desk so everyone legal could go to the bar.  My RD sucked even more than last year, which is a shame because I tried.  I tried to talk to him at the beginning of last year, I tried to talk to him this semester, but i have gotten nothing for the effort I put in. 

I'm really excited for next year.  I'm in one of the relatively smaller dorms....in size- but my rooms are all triples.  There are only 2 RAs on our staff, and our RD is amazing- we're gonna have a blast, and our personalities balance pretty well. My room is going to be even larger than now...and I'm pretty sure I'll finish my time in Brockport happy.  The only downside is that our building is on the opposite side of campus than anything else...no dining hall, no other residents...but I planned my classes to be in the hall right behind our building. 

I'm hoping to come out of this semester with Bs across the board except one class.  I got my first A+ in my entire 3 years here...I seem to kick ass at Women's Studies.  I surprise myself really.  I'm shooting for B's because I really need to finish my major with okay grades...with a 3.0 I think.  My minor will go smoothly I hope, just because I'm good at it. 

I have finished year 3 with no love life...since freshman year.  I've come to the conclusion that I could be the reason I'm not with anyone.  Maybe I'm too critical- I hold everyone to the same standard I hold myself to, and I guess that's a lot.  I thought I had something good going for me this semester, but that seemed to fall apart just like every other relationship I've been in.  Once my birthday roles around I'll be able to get out more....find a new crowd besides whats around here on campus....Brockport seems to be a bum deal for anyone I could be attracted to.  That or I put too much into people....and then I realize I can't trust anyone with my heart....

This year has been really stressful, but I've been done since Monday.  I had no finals, but i had 36 pages of writing to do by Tuesday, and I finished Monday night.  I went to visit some people today and I guess the rest has done me well...I can't count how many people told me how relaxed I look, and how well rested I look...which makes me think I get too stressed during the year.  Maybe they see a different because I actually got dressed besides the regular sweatpants.  Yes folks, I have a real figure...thanks tank top for proving everyone wrong about my lack of a wardrobe. 

I'm heading home on Saturday morning...I need some time with my mama- I never thought I would miss her so much, but I do.  Oh man...I need to move my stuff to storage today...good thing I'm all packed.  Well- I have one last birthday party this semester I need to prep for....

...check for some new stuff this summer...though I'm not promising anything of course...

Love yourself.
Accept who you are and make peace with where you are at this moment in time.
Don't wait for the world's seal of approval.
Be happy now.

Be your own best friend.
Make time each day to enjoy the pleasure of your company.
Do the things that make you smile.
Appreciate the things that make you "you."

Try. Take chances.
Trust yourself, even if you make mistakes.
Life can be messy and confusing, but it can also be surprising.
The next rock in your path might be a stepping-stone.

Remember that joy is where you find it.
When you don't have what you want, want what you have.
Make do. It's a well-kept secret of contentment.

Know that there aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow.
You have to make your own way.
It isn't always easy.
It takes a strong spirit,
an open mind,
and a willing heart.
But you have all those...and more.

Life isn't days and years.
It's what you do with time
and with all the goodness that's inside you.

Make a wonderful life...
The kind of life you deserve.

-Anonymous

So I'm writing now to escape studying for my midterm that I have tomorrow.  Today didn't seem to have enough hours in the day, and this is how I am compensating for lacking time. 

Things have been great, and not so great.  I went to San Francisco, and that was the most fun I've had since I've been back to school and I wish I was still there.  At least there I had things to look forward to.  I went to a lot of interesting sessions that I hope can help me out here but if they don't now, they will in the long run. I also saw a lot of great, pretty famous sites and I have recently started looking at grad schools there.  It seems to be turning out that I have nothing to stay here for- so why not try to go there.

My RA life is great...and yet it sucks.  My girls are fabulous, I've had my first serious problem, that got blown out of proportion, that is fixed-but not...and I will pretend it is for the sake of having peace in my hall for the time being.  My staff seems to believe that I have issues with them, that I don't like to do staff things, and that I'm a big, waste of angry RA.  Wow....I had three consecutive bad days last week, and no others this whole semester- but it had to be addressed mob style at last nights staff mtg. Yep, nothing like making me frustrated with them and creating an awkward situation.  Because  everyone has such a shitty image of me I can't put any of my feelings into away messages or anything...so there's no point in being online...goodbye AIM for the time being.  To make things better I think all of the crappy RA stuff this year has lead to me being pulled from freshman and tossed with transfers in the crappiest dorm on campus...but before we jump to that conclusion we can wait for it to be permanent. 

I have a midterm tomorrow, and I have no time for last minute studying tomorrow.  I have a meeting in the morning, class, a meeting a few minutes to study, then my midterm.  I can't wait for tomorrow to be over....it'll be one day closer to Spring break- one day closer to going home.

I've given up on guys for the semester.  I seem to have found guys that are already dating, not good enough, and more often than not just don't care about me and can't commit to spending time with me.  If I only have one more year here, why am I waiting around for someone that could care less about me?  I'm not.  I'm done.

time to study. 

It's been a long hard few weeks being back at school but now I'm trying to get on schedule so I can get everything in order for next week.

RA Training went well. It was kind of a waste of three days and I spent most of it laying in bed because all of my decorating was done. I didn't buy any of my  books ahead of time so I couldn't do any work, and I was pretty bored.

But now- my girls are back and classes have started!  A week in, and I have dropped one class so I'm down to four, with the possibility of dropping another.  I just don't want to be overwhelmed.  I'm really looking forward to my Women's Studies class.  I've taken so many of them, it seems as if it'll be an easy A.  Everything else seems like it will take a bit of effort that I'm ready to put in.  I'm scared shitless of my Religion in American Civilization class.  I can't understand the syllabus and the professor is too scatter brained and unorganized for my style.  I order all of my books online last week and saved more than $500 so I'm pretty excited about that.....now if only they would come in the mail....

My RA job is going good.  My girls are excited to be back and are having more fun than before.  I have all of my programs for the semester planned and first up in my Valentine's Program (because I kinda hate the holiday and I don't want them to be sad if they're not in a relationship) and painting the bathroom!!!!!!!!  I had my first incident of the semester at 3:20am with sex in the girls showers, followed by a more serious incident with one of my girls tonight that will take awhile to make right- this is the first time I have felt outside of my comfort zone and I need to go to the counseling center in the morning to get some advice.

I'm hoping to dye my hair tomorrow!!!! I'll post a picture on facebook once it's done.  I want it to look really nice before I go to California next week!!

Ehhhh bed, seems to be calling my name reminding me that I have to get up early.  Have a good week

Hey, hey, hey, hey....

Soooo, this will probably be my last entry before I head back to Brockport.  I feel bad that I haven't written more in the last 5 weeks but I haven't done enough to write about. 

Update #1:  After tons of doctor's appointments and a few drugs, my anxiety is getting a bit better I've had to have so much blood drawn, that I never want to do it again- even though I have to.  I almost passed out last week.  Luckily my friend Nick's mom was the one taking my blood, and she made sure I made it through alive lol.

I think Jen and I are mending out friendship some.  Things have been really hard for us, mostly because we don't hang out enough and for that reason we don't understand each other anymore.  But we're trying.  We're supposed to hang out tomorrow, but I haven't heard from her yet about that.  Last Thursday we spent all afternoon together, shopping hanging out and visiting our high school....which was interesting.  My favorite teacher out of all 4 years talked to us for more than an hour- and was so open with us, like friends, not like he used to teach us.  I never thought we could openly talk about adult stuff, and a lot of sex stuff with a teacher who knew us since we were fourteen.....whew almost 21.  The whole time we were in that building I felt sooooooo old.  But it was fun, and enlightening....and now that I'm an adult, I think he's one of the cutest, smartest, older men I've seen around!

I don't know if I wrote this but this is the BIGGEST news I have!  I'm going to San Fransisco on Valentines Day for a Conference until 2/19.  I'm bummed that I'm missing the cutest holiday ever, that I've never celebrated- in the off chance that I could celebrate this year...anyways, that was a quick tangent.  But yea, our hotel is right on San Fransisco Bay, the Ghiradelli Chocolate store is right around the corner and so is Chinatown!! I know I'm going to be there for work, but we have a full day for shopping and dinner on the town each night we're there. yay!!!!  It's gonna be soooooo fun!!!!

Sunday I head back to Brockport and I'm very happy that break is over. Not until today did I hear about any homework I could get started on- too late!  But I still have a full week once I'm back at school to get ahead. 

Hmmm, heading to bed soon when Notes From the UnderBelly is Over....visit me at school if you want to give me something different to do!

So I know I said I would try to write a bit more over break but it just doesn't seemed to have happened for me.  But I'll try to backtrack a bit and update some:

So the semester finished okay.  It was really stressful and my GPA dropped a bit - I got good grades but my first semester freshmen year seems to have fucked me in the long run.  I'm thinking next fall I'm going to be taking some of those classes over to fix my gpa or I'll be screwed unless I get all A's for the next three semesters....haha that's doubtful.  By the end of finals week I was ready to go home, sick of my staff and dead set that EVERYBODY hated me.  Yea....they didn't do very well proving me wrong by the time we were allowed to leave that Saturday morning. 

I haven't updated anyone on the progress I've made trying to tackle my anxiety.  The counseling and health centers  had been working with me for almost a year to fix it, and at the end of the semester they told me that the complexity of my anxiety was too vast for them and treating me any longer would be a liability for the school.  So they sent me on a mission over break to get my own doctor to fix it.  (ps: i HATE the doctor!!).  I came home December 15th with my mind set on fixing myself by any means possible...prayer, meditation, some breathing, reading and a bit of relaxing.  I have been home for a bit over two weeks working constantly on establishing some peace of mind or an equilibrium in my heart that would free my mind from whatever it finds so stressful....I decided this past Thursday after three harsh days of intermittent panic attacks that I cannot live like that, scheduled a doctors appointment and actually showed up for it (I am known for not keeping appts because of my doctor anxiety).  1 hour and 15 minutes, 1 vial of blood, an expected diagnosis, and a greatly feared prescription later, my problem seems to have been identified....and I know this paragraph got you all psyched up to find out what the hell is wrong with me....but I need to be comfortable with it before I tell the entire internet....so ya'll will have to wait.  All I will say is that I hope this works....I still have 3 weeks until I have to go back to school, and after that I can't let this ruin my college life anymore...it's been hard enough convincing myself to go back after each semester but if this semester gets worse, I honestly don't want to deal with my mind and school....yea, doesn't sound too great for my education.

3 days into the new drugs....I can't tell the difference between being on them or off them...

The newly renovated house is nice...in this ordeal it's given me the chance to change my environment to whatever I need it to be at the moment.  My room is usually spotless (not tonight) and it gives me a clean palate for thinking; if I'm in the mood to craft and to let my tangled, messy mind out- my sisters room has become our messy storage room and a few minutes in there can cure the most restless mind; Christmas was small this year, but not at all disappointing.  I didn't buy much for anybody, and I didn't get much from anybody either.  Our tree was extremely fake and came up to just past my need: 10 ornaments, 100 lights, and 1 homemade star....lots of baking, my puppy and some good books I've been working  my way to the relaxing portion of my winter break goal. 

On the politics end of life, which kills me yet keeps me amazed: John Edwards passed Hilary and Obama in the Iowa caucus?!?!?  And the assassination of Benazir Bhutto was devastating and I was actually really upset when I read that on CNN Thursday morning.  I remember learning about her in the 10th grade and thinking wow, she must have really been someone to be the first female prime minister of any Islamic nation.  So much for their shot at democracy....

Love?  yea right, I can't even love myself at the moment.   Of course, it'll be another New Years resolution  but one that won't be of utmost importance to me along with a few other things....wow to think 2008 is almost here....oh jeez, I turn 21 this year lol...

Ok...I'm gonna head out, I have 10 more pages in this great book to finish, and a movie to watch I think before sleep...hope everyone enjoyed the holidays and Happy New Year!!

...yep, just deleted this entire entry!!!

Anyways, I head home in 5 days and I can't wait to pack up and get the hell outta here. I think I deserve a break so much more than I ever had the whole time I've been here.  This semester has been especially hard.  I had one final at 8am this morning and that went good I think except I was STARVING!  damn cafe in the library being closed.  I have my 17 page Bob Marley paper due by 4pm this afternoon, a final at 4:30 tomorrow, and 2 five page papers due by Friday. 

With as much as I told mom I didn't need a Christmas tree this year I think she's still going to get one on our way home Saturday.  Because she just repainted and re carpeted the whole house I think she wants it to look really good.  It's going to be like going home to a brand new home...I haven't seen it since it was finished so I'm pretty excited. 

It's been a pretty rough couple of weeks and I feel like nobody understands me.  On the inside I feel like it's about that time for me to give up...but since when do I give up...I don't think i even understand me...

Well, I really want to get all of my work and studying finished today so that i can lay in my bed all week being a lazy bum so I'm gonna get going.

I'll try to post again once i get home next week.  Good luck with the rest of the semester and with finals!!

Yea....I'm back after something like 3 weeks.  Life's looking up, not fabulous or anything but I thought I would give a quick shout out before I start doing my homework and get busy again.

Tonight will make #3 of sleeping....I know what you're thinking- hasn't it been like a month?  damn straight

It's that time of the semester when it's getting really busy (not that I'm not always busy). I have 2 fifteen page research papers, a paper due on Monday, and a poster presentation in addition to 2 finals to round off this semester.  I can't believe it's almost over, and I can't believe I'm dragging ass to get my work done.  Any other semester I would have had these damn papers written and proof read by now, but all I can ask for for Christmas is an extension- that i know I won't get so I need to get my shit in order.

I've been trying to put myself out there a lot lately because I'm sick of people telling me that I don't make it known that I'm okay with dating (sure, that's a joke).  But regardless of how much effort I put in, the most love I get is from the vending machine guys that give me free Cran-grape juice every week...and I'm not up for dating them, they seem a bit creepy.  I was really in the mood to hang out with old friends this past weekend and i couldn't get in touch with anybody and that kind of bummed me out.  I've had my eye out for this one guy and we hang out and talk and it's fun and all but....he likes one of my friends.  I've that's not a heart breaker I don't know what is.

Well I suppose that's all that's going on here.  I'm happy I'm not all frustrated and upset anymore. Everything seems so much better when I'm in a better mood. 

If ya wanna chill, hit me up- I'm probably bored and feel like I need a friend

I have slept 16 hours in the last 16 days...I want to sleep.  A lot.

Today, I began to feel the crash coming along...always after a few good weeks, the high ends with a low...and here I am. 

I had my one-on-one meeting with my RD today and we talked about how to go about doing constructive criticism as a staff and he totally tricked me into telling him how I thought it would work well....in the end, I ended up with criticism....people are worried because I haven't been sleeping (why? it's not them losing their freaking head), people think I'm too strict with the rules (funny, nobody has gotten in trouble for anything besides alcohol...and my job IS the rules), and apparently the reason I don't sleep is because I'm in Sarah's room until really late (...Sarah's in bed by midnight every night...I'm not in her room then am I?).  I am sooooo sick of people telling me I need a break, and that I should be in bed during every spare minute of my life.

WHY DON'T PEOPLE UNDERSTAND IT'S NOT THAT EASY!

I want to cry, and scream and lay in my bed alone all night....I want to go home- or at least some place where I actually feel ok.

...i'm out, I don't want to write anymore...



ps...thanks for listening to me rant for the last millions of months.  it means a lot to me

Hmmm....3:11am and a midterm at 9:30am...yep, I'm wiiiiiiiide awake! One of my residents woke me up because there was a ton of noise outside and I went to take care of it and there was nothing, nada, zilch, zip! I'm not mad that she woke me up, but in the 2.5 minutes it took me to throw pants on and get outside she could have told me if the noise was walking or sitting outside our building.  Now I'm super nervous that if I fall asleep I'm never getting up for my exam or breakfast

This last week has been ok- not perfect, but an eye-opener.  Through other people's problems I've pulled my head out of my own life temporarily to help with their problems and it's a reason to pick myself up of the floor- I can't stand seeing people I care about being in the same state I am. 

It's a four day weekend and most people are heading home- I only have three residents staying.  My mom asked me to come up but I have so much work that I can't imagine being home and having to paint and carpet all weekend and not be able to work-  or sleep bc my room is currently storage and the couches are moved for painting....yep, no room for me at home right now.  What I'm gonna do this weekend besides my work, I have no idea.  I have plans on Saturday with my sister for the afternoon, but the other few days it's gonna be me and a few other members of the staff.

...yea, gonna do some studying or busy work until I'm tired....or until it's time for breakfast.  Wow...I feel like the insomnia is back....shhhhhhhooooooooot!