I am back in Brockport.  So technically, this is the beginning of the end.  It's kind of surreal that this time next year I won't be here and I'll probably be in grad school. 

RA training has been going great!  compared to the last few years when it was completely miserable and I couldn't wait for classes to start, I'm actually having fun.  I love my staff, we're getting along pretty well and I don't foresee any big problems in the future.  Yesterday we went to Camp Arrowhead for some low ropes/ team building stuff.  It was nice out, and I have never had so much fun doing all of the stuff- needless to say I don't mind all of the bruises, bumps, scratches and all the dirt I just washed out of my hair.  I'm pretty sure tomorrow I'll feel some of the activities in my muscles....I'll feel the pain from when I feel right on the floor...on my back- and laughed the whole time. Its reassuring to finally work with a staff that functions well together- with an amazing supervisor. 

I haven't really been doing much else.  I moved in early to get settled, my mind needs a few days to get everything in order before being pushed into stressful situations.  Classes start on the 25th, and I have almost all of my textbooks- I just have to go pick some up for Children's Lit and those will be relatively cheap.  After 3 years I finally bought a printer, its a beast- I love it.  Unfortunately my computer has been working like shit so I have to ship it to HP this week so they can replace some of hardware- and I won't have it back until the Friday after classes start...thank goodness that's a long weekend. 

I can't for the girls to move back this weekend- I really miss them, and I'm sure they can't wait to catch up. I also can't wait for all of my new friends to move back!  We have some plans and stuff that seems pretty fun.

Well because I have 2 sections in the building...which translates to 41 transfer guys and girls...I need to get to work on my last bulletin board and making sure things are together.  Early arrivals started this morning!

I don't really have much of an update but I told myself I would post more this summer so here goes:

• I got stung by a bee on my face- and I'm still bitter about.  I haven't been stung since 6th grade
• I bought new glasses and can pick them up next week
• finished my second dress....not sure I can the last one in less than 2 weeks, but we'll see
• I am considering a serious hair cut- drastic change, but I don't know if I have the right shape face for it
• I still own no Wii games for my Wii but I own old skool nintendo games for it! 
  
• I started some hardcore studying for the GREs this morning...finally
• I am one payment away from paying off one of my credit cards that payed for my first semester at Brockport...3 more to go! ehhhhh....
  
• ....less than 2 weeks until I head back to Brockport

...yep, I guess that's it.  Not much- just like I promised

TAKE 2 (I just deleted this entry!) 

I'm back, less than a month since I last wrote, and I'm back home until August 14th or so.  Not much has happened this summer, so I'm going to list everything in bullets to make it look like more...and I guess to organize my thoughts...here goes:

• I did not manage to hit the bars once a week for the last month.  I know what you're thinking.  "That was only 4 weeks, and should have been a cinch."  No.  No it wasn't.  I did go out to the bars, I had 2 parties in my town home, I went to a party off campus at a friends house, and I went to a few barbeque's with some friends....I think that more than covers my 4 assigned nights at the bar.
  
• I made new friends which is FABULOUS because I swear I am the most socially awkward person....but not according to these girls, so I guess that's great.
  
• Still no serious relationship on the horizon...I swear I think I have something written on my forehead along the lines of "please....hit on me, get my hopes up and then drop that you have a gf/ wife" or "do you want to come home with me?  you have no idea how long its been since a man has been to my place...."  Don't get the wrong idea here...I am not the tramp guys seem to think I am.  In one night at the bar I had one guy when I asked for a ride home tell me he could "ride me home," and I had another offer the same thing in just not so blatant wording.  Our vending machine guy who hit on me for the last full year told me I was hott, and I caught him watching me walk not only towards him, but away as well.  Besides that being the nicest compliment I've gotten all summer....it all sucks because he is MARRIED!  I don't think it would have mattered to me if I didn't already know- but I do, and I do have morals. 
• I am not moving out of my building after all for the next year- making that 4 full years in Thompson hall...and I will have my freshman and my transfers and Becca as a supervisor...fabulous because she knows me and I know her! 
  
• I bought a Wii.  I know- very exciting. 
  
• I decided to make 3 summer dresses this summer...I have one done and am half way through my second one.
  

Hmmm....I guess that's it. Everything that could be considered filler is unnecessary so I left it out.  I've gotta find something to occupy me until i fall asleep. 

I'm back in Brockport for my last summer here to work the town homes during orientation and there isn't too much going on.  I'm living the high life in the town homes that fortunately have air conditioning....for nothing because this summer hasn't been really hot at all.  I always had this idea that if I ever got to sleep on a new mattress on this campus, it would be perfect- yea right!  My mattress is hard as a rock and makes crinkly sounds while I sleep- rather, while I lay awake!

We went white water rafting and camping yesterday so I'm super exhausted right now....all of my muscles hurt from paddling a raft for 5 miles and hiking at least a mile up hill in the rain.  Camping went great, besides the rain and the raccoons that came out last night and broke into all the coolers and ate all of the snacks.  Oh wait, and they kept me up for the 2nd night with all of their noise, and the hill under my tent that i kept rolling down.  We played a ton of ice breakers this morning before heading home, and I think it's been pretty great for me.  After having such a shitty staff last year it was really important for me to get back into the right attitude without being pessimistic.  The lady that's filling in for my supervisor while she's on maternity leave talked to me the whole trip about grad school options and what I'm going to do with life.  I feel a bit calmer now; i guess knowing that she's int he same field and she has a great job really made me feel at ease.

Being an RAs is proving to be better than an OSA...we have a lot more free time which is great because I'm trying to study a lot for the GREs so I'm ready.  I like having a new perspective- and I was told they gave me this job as a way for me to get new experience because I know the other aspects of this job like the back of my hand.  I'm hoping this summer will encourage me to get my life together enough to feel comfortable going into my senior year.

I got an invitation to present at the annual first year experience in Florida- it's the same one that I went to in San Francisco.  I'm excited for this opportunity because I'm only an undergrad and its a professional conference. I'm bummed that the proposal is due on July 1st. I'm gonna try to put something together on either how to get ahead as a undergrad trying to enter the field or something about transfer students because we're trying to work with them a lot more on campus this year...dunno

I know this stuff is boring...so let's try something better

Mom and Bill got back together over this past weekend- which is great and all but I don't want to have to pick her heart up off the floor again....I have to do it enough for myself. I want to see some concrete proof this will last...yes, my high expectations are kind of a bitch.  I still don't think people can stay happy-it's work of course, but I think after doing sooooo much work and it's not worth it if there is nothing in return. 

My ultimate goal for the rest of the summer is to go out at least once a week the entire time I'm here in an attempt to get myself out there more and hopefully get a start on some sort of stable relationship- I need one...rather I need someone. 

Hmm...that's all I've got...I should have been studying for the GREs this whole time I was writing.

Believe it or not, but in 12 days the first part of my summer will be over and i will have to head back to Brockport to be a summer RA. I think this will be the first time I've gone back for the summer and will be confused about what I'm supposed to do.  I've always worked orientation, and now I'm still working orientation but doing the residential side of it.  Regardless to say I'm excited to get this opportunity and my supervisor is having her baby this summer!! 

I've spent my last few weeks at home just relaxing.  I was really worn down after last semester and I just needed a break.  My grades came out ok...I have a 3.25 overall which is pretty good because I did really bad my freshman year.  The first thing I did when I came home was get an infinity sign tattooed behind my ear...yes, that's #2 for me! And yep...that's like the highlight of my summer.  My next semester looks pretty hard.  I have a lot on my plate-19 credits, and being an RA.  Maybe that will keep me busy....busy enough to not think about what I'm going to do when I graduate

I went out for my birthday and that was pretty exciting except Jen was my DD and couldn't get in any where because she's not 21.  So we left the city and went up to Sodus Point and that was fun.  Let's be honest, it was so fun, I don't remember coming home, or falling out of the car, or going to bed....yea, it was a long night- and an even longer morning the next day.  The only good part of the night was that we ran into some people from Williamson- some people that aren't assholes like most people from around here.

 I've been spending a lot of time with my mom.  Her fiance of 6 1/2 years broke up with her and she's been a mess every since.  I'm going to feel bad once I go back to school and leave her alone.  Her situation only makes me believe more firmly that nothing last forever and that it's impossible for 2 people to be happy together forever.   Yes, I am very pessimistic lately.  I also saw Sex and the City (the movie) and although it's really good, it made me wonder if putting all of my trust in one person is worth it?  What if they don't see it the same way I do?  Needless to say I'm contemplating never ever ever falling in love again.  Love hurts me....Don't get me wrong, I do hold relationships in high esteem, I think marriage is beautiful, and I want it some day...but right now, at this exact moment in life, I feel like I will never have that.

wow....that's sad-ish

Here it is folks, my typical end of the year entry.  I don't I'll have much to write but we'll see

In many ways I have hated this year more than anything in the world....but my girls made it so much better.  I'm kind of bummed that i have to check them out in the next three days- I'm gonna miss them.  They treated me a lot better than last years, and because I've had it so well I'm a bit apprehensive about next semester's girls.  In terms of hating things, I'm pretty sure I would have traded in my staff at the drop of a hat.  I spent so much time getting to know them, and in return nobody knows me and they have used me to cover shifts assuming I don't have a life....they are the reason I don't have a life.  I may not be 21 yet but I have friends, and there are parties I could have gone to while I was sitting hours and hours of desk so everyone legal could go to the bar.  My RD sucked even more than last year, which is a shame because I tried.  I tried to talk to him at the beginning of last year, I tried to talk to him this semester, but i have gotten nothing for the effort I put in. 

I'm really excited for next year.  I'm in one of the relatively smaller dorms....in size- but my rooms are all triples.  There are only 2 RAs on our staff, and our RD is amazing- we're gonna have a blast, and our personalities balance pretty well. My room is going to be even larger than now...and I'm pretty sure I'll finish my time in Brockport happy.  The only downside is that our building is on the opposite side of campus than anything else...no dining hall, no other residents...but I planned my classes to be in the hall right behind our building. 

I'm hoping to come out of this semester with Bs across the board except one class.  I got my first A+ in my entire 3 years here...I seem to kick ass at Women's Studies.  I surprise myself really.  I'm shooting for B's because I really need to finish my major with okay grades...with a 3.0 I think.  My minor will go smoothly I hope, just because I'm good at it. 

I have finished year 3 with no love life...since freshman year.  I've come to the conclusion that I could be the reason I'm not with anyone.  Maybe I'm too critical- I hold everyone to the same standard I hold myself to, and I guess that's a lot.  I thought I had something good going for me this semester, but that seemed to fall apart just like every other relationship I've been in.  Once my birthday roles around I'll be able to get out more....find a new crowd besides whats around here on campus....Brockport seems to be a bum deal for anyone I could be attracted to.  That or I put too much into people....and then I realize I can't trust anyone with my heart....

This year has been really stressful, but I've been done since Monday.  I had no finals, but i had 36 pages of writing to do by Tuesday, and I finished Monday night.  I went to visit some people today and I guess the rest has done me well...I can't count how many people told me how relaxed I look, and how well rested I look...which makes me think I get too stressed during the year.  Maybe they see a different because I actually got dressed besides the regular sweatpants.  Yes folks, I have a real figure...thanks tank top for proving everyone wrong about my lack of a wardrobe. 

I'm heading home on Saturday morning...I need some time with my mama- I never thought I would miss her so much, but I do.  Oh man...I need to move my stuff to storage today...good thing I'm all packed.  Well- I have one last birthday party this semester I need to prep for....

...check for some new stuff this summer...though I'm not promising anything of course...

Love yourself.
Accept who you are and make peace with where you are at this moment in time.
Don't wait for the world's seal of approval.
Be happy now.

Be your own best friend.
Make time each day to enjoy the pleasure of your company.
Do the things that make you smile.
Appreciate the things that make you "you."

Try. Take chances.
Trust yourself, even if you make mistakes.
Life can be messy and confusing, but it can also be surprising.
The next rock in your path might be a stepping-stone.

Remember that joy is where you find it.
When you don't have what you want, want what you have.
Make do. It's a well-kept secret of contentment.

Know that there aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow.
You have to make your own way.
It isn't always easy.
It takes a strong spirit,
an open mind,
and a willing heart.
But you have all those...and more.

Life isn't days and years.
It's what you do with time
and with all the goodness that's inside you.

Make a wonderful life...
The kind of life you deserve.

-Anonymous

So I'm writing now to escape studying for my midterm that I have tomorrow.  Today didn't seem to have enough hours in the day, and this is how I am compensating for lacking time. 

Things have been great, and not so great.  I went to San Francisco, and that was the most fun I've had since I've been back to school and I wish I was still there.  At least there I had things to look forward to.  I went to a lot of interesting sessions that I hope can help me out here but if they don't now, they will in the long run. I also saw a lot of great, pretty famous sites and I have recently started looking at grad schools there.  It seems to be turning out that I have nothing to stay here for- so why not try to go there.

My RA life is great...and yet it sucks.  My girls are fabulous, I've had my first serious problem, that got blown out of proportion, that is fixed-but not...and I will pretend it is for the sake of having peace in my hall for the time being.  My staff seems to believe that I have issues with them, that I don't like to do staff things, and that I'm a big, waste of angry RA.  Wow....I had three consecutive bad days last week, and no others this whole semester- but it had to be addressed mob style at last nights staff mtg. Yep, nothing like making me frustrated with them and creating an awkward situation.  Because  everyone has such a shitty image of me I can't put any of my feelings into away messages or anything...so there's no point in being online...goodbye AIM for the time being.  To make things better I think all of the crappy RA stuff this year has lead to me being pulled from freshman and tossed with transfers in the crappiest dorm on campus...but before we jump to that conclusion we can wait for it to be permanent. 

I have a midterm tomorrow, and I have no time for last minute studying tomorrow.  I have a meeting in the morning, class, a meeting a few minutes to study, then my midterm.  I can't wait for tomorrow to be over....it'll be one day closer to Spring break- one day closer to going home.

I've given up on guys for the semester.  I seem to have found guys that are already dating, not good enough, and more often than not just don't care about me and can't commit to spending time with me.  If I only have one more year here, why am I waiting around for someone that could care less about me?  I'm not.  I'm done.

time to study. 

It's been a long hard few weeks being back at school but now I'm trying to get on schedule so I can get everything in order for next week.

RA Training went well. It was kind of a waste of three days and I spent most of it laying in bed because all of my decorating was done. I didn't buy any of my  books ahead of time so I couldn't do any work, and I was pretty bored.

But now- my girls are back and classes have started!  A week in, and I have dropped one class so I'm down to four, with the possibility of dropping another.  I just don't want to be overwhelmed.  I'm really looking forward to my Women's Studies class.  I've taken so many of them, it seems as if it'll be an easy A.  Everything else seems like it will take a bit of effort that I'm ready to put in.  I'm scared shitless of my Religion in American Civilization class.  I can't understand the syllabus and the professor is too scatter brained and unorganized for my style.  I order all of my books online last week and saved more than $500 so I'm pretty excited about that.....now if only they would come in the mail....

My RA job is going good.  My girls are excited to be back and are having more fun than before.  I have all of my programs for the semester planned and first up in my Valentine's Program (because I kinda hate the holiday and I don't want them to be sad if they're not in a relationship) and painting the bathroom!!!!!!!!  I had my first incident of the semester at 3:20am with sex in the girls showers, followed by a more serious incident with one of my girls tonight that will take awhile to make right- this is the first time I have felt outside of my comfort zone and I need to go to the counseling center in the morning to get some advice.

I'm hoping to dye my hair tomorrow!!!! I'll post a picture on facebook once it's done.  I want it to look really nice before I go to California next week!!

Ehhhh bed, seems to be calling my name reminding me that I have to get up early.  Have a good week

Hey, hey, hey, hey....

Soooo, this will probably be my last entry before I head back to Brockport.  I feel bad that I haven't written more in the last 5 weeks but I haven't done enough to write about. 

Update #1:  After tons of doctor's appointments and a few drugs, my anxiety is getting a bit better I've had to have so much blood drawn, that I never want to do it again- even though I have to.  I almost passed out last week.  Luckily my friend Nick's mom was the one taking my blood, and she made sure I made it through alive lol.

I think Jen and I are mending out friendship some.  Things have been really hard for us, mostly because we don't hang out enough and for that reason we don't understand each other anymore.  But we're trying.  We're supposed to hang out tomorrow, but I haven't heard from her yet about that.  Last Thursday we spent all afternoon together, shopping hanging out and visiting our high school....which was interesting.  My favorite teacher out of all 4 years talked to us for more than an hour- and was so open with us, like friends, not like he used to teach us.  I never thought we could openly talk about adult stuff, and a lot of sex stuff with a teacher who knew us since we were fourteen.....whew almost 21.  The whole time we were in that building I felt sooooooo old.  But it was fun, and enlightening....and now that I'm an adult, I think he's one of the cutest, smartest, older men I've seen around!

I don't know if I wrote this but this is the BIGGEST news I have!  I'm going to San Fransisco on Valentines Day for a Conference until 2/19.  I'm bummed that I'm missing the cutest holiday ever, that I've never celebrated- in the off chance that I could celebrate this year...anyways, that was a quick tangent.  But yea, our hotel is right on San Fransisco Bay, the Ghiradelli Chocolate store is right around the corner and so is Chinatown!! I know I'm going to be there for work, but we have a full day for shopping and dinner on the town each night we're there. yay!!!!  It's gonna be soooooo fun!!!!

Sunday I head back to Brockport and I'm very happy that break is over. Not until today did I hear about any homework I could get started on- too late!  But I still have a full week once I'm back at school to get ahead. 

Hmmm, heading to bed soon when Notes From the UnderBelly is Over....visit me at school if you want to give me something different to do!